A: Let's talk about my last 12 hours. More 24+ hours. It started snowing here on Sunday. Flurries to us Midwestern folks. Blizzard like conditions to these crazy Seattlites. I drove into work yesterday and left a little early to do some shopping downtown SEattle. Well on my way home my street was closed due to icy, snowy, one inch conditions. Well shit. Now I had to go around this giant hill trying to get up to the top. Well I didn't make it. I ended up sliding down a slight incline because the street was actually cobblestone and very slick. During my slow 2 mph "OH SHIT THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP WHAT'S ABOUT TO HAPPEN" collision, I hit a BMW X3 parked on the side of the road. This small force was enough to move the BMW slightly but since it was on an incline it picked up speed and almost flew into the interesection at the bottom of the street! All I coudl do was honk my horn to warn people at the bottom of the street that a car was coming backwards sans human driver!
A neighbor man came out to try and help me. He said a woman hat dtried to make it up the hill and didn't so she left it there and walked up the rest of the way. I left a note and took a few photos. Then the 60 year old neighbor man suggested he try to push my car away from the curb while I drive so I don't get hit like I hit this car. I was almost on the other side of the road when the back wheels slipped and swung around side swiping the man! Fortunately another man had shown up to assist (thinking I was the older man's wife) and was able to grab the guy out of the way before I ran over him at 2 mph. The car slid down the remaining 20 feet and hit the BMW AGAIN. Basically the damage is two bumpers will need to be replaced. Once the roads clear, both cars are drivable. Unfotunatly I could not reverse and get around the BMW. I called AAA - which told me that AAA in Seattle was shut down until further notice. Great - now what?? I'm still over 10 blocks down hill from my place. Do I just leave the car here? Well the neighbor man had gone inside and now I was standing on the street talking to the second man who looks oddly familiar.
Turns out he is the co-owner of the bar I used to frequent next to my old place downtown. Apparently he lives down the street from my ar accidnt (which he saw the whole thing). Long story short - he suggests to get out of this snowy, freezing weather at the bar up the street so he can "officially rescue a damsle in distress." I agree. In these absurb circumstances my 30 day alcohol free test can be waived on this night (I need a hot drink and stress reliever!). By the time we slip and slide up the street to the local bar, it's around 8PM. Matt - the bar owner - is 38, WSU marketing grad and Seattlite raised (btw - tall, average build, and overall attractive). We end up hanging out for the remainder of the evening - eating dinner at another restaurant on my crazy trek home. Even though he was walking way out of his way, he helped me the rest of the way home.
Exchanged numbers, a quick kiss and said good night.
This morning I am sitting at home because I am "snowed in" with a few inches of snow on top of Queen Anne hill with my car 10 blocks away (one mile) kissing a BMW X3. Essentially I am waiting for the owner of the BMW X3 to call me. As of now, I'm guessing they have no idea their car was in an accident. Not really sure how I'm going to deal with that, move the car, take a mandatory drug test and get to the airport to fly home tomorrow?
Seattle has shut down. It is just me and Sam today.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Q: How does one look sketchy even for Canada's standards?
A: Walk across the border carrying the items for the best night ever - suitcase, Grey Goose and Apples to Apples card game.
The story below is courtesy of CW. She makes anything look classy.
The story below is courtesy of CW. She makes anything look classy.
For NYE CW decided to go up to Whistler, BC with some friends. Everything was going great until Canadian Border Patrol stopped the sweet and innocent carload of twenty-something Americans at the border. Border Patrol detained CW and company together for 2+ hours while all Americans were separately questioned (AWESOME).
By the end of the fun guess the right answer game, the CW's crew finds out one of their friends is the main reason they've been detained. Apparently in Canada a DUI or reckless driving offense is considered a felony and Canada does not allow foreigners with this record into the country for at least 5 years (AWESOME).
CW and company were escorted back across the border to the US and then detained by US customs for another hour (without their phones this time) while all were "booked" essentially for being rejected from Canada (AWESOME).
CW was not about to miss her first time in Whistler. After confirming a couple friends would be there on the other side, CW grabbed her suitcase, Grey Goose and game of Apples to Apples and started for the border - ON FOOT. The agents at the border intesnely questioned CW for several minutes trying to figure out WHY she was WALKING across the border instead of driving (AWESOME).
Finally, CW was allowed to take her suitcase, Grey Goose and Apples to Apples into Canada. Just one slight problem - it would take a few days to walk to Whistler from the border. Luckily for her, CW had locked down a ride with some friends up in Vancouver and New Year's Eve was not lost - just delayed...
By the end of the fun guess the right answer game, the CW's crew finds out one of their friends is the main reason they've been detained. Apparently in Canada a DUI or reckless driving offense is considered a felony and Canada does not allow foreigners with this record into the country for at least 5 years (AWESOME).
CW and company were escorted back across the border to the US and then detained by US customs for another hour (without their phones this time) while all were "booked" essentially for being rejected from Canada (AWESOME).
CW was not about to miss her first time in Whistler. After confirming a couple friends would be there on the other side, CW grabbed her suitcase, Grey Goose and game of Apples to Apples and started for the border - ON FOOT. The agents at the border intesnely questioned CW for several minutes trying to figure out WHY she was WALKING across the border instead of driving (AWESOME).
Finally, CW was allowed to take her suitcase, Grey Goose and Apples to Apples into Canada. Just one slight problem - it would take a few days to walk to Whistler from the border. Luckily for her, CW had locked down a ride with some friends up in Vancouver and New Year's Eve was not lost - just delayed...
Q: How does one ruin the best date ever?
A: Follow the below steps and one can succeed in ruining the best date ever.
Once upon a time, CW went out on a date with Mr. Chicago. He was the brother of Knock Out and a very spontaneous person. Without telling CW the who, what, when, where or why's of the date, Mr. C shows up unexpectedly. CW greets Mr. C in a moo-moo, wet hair and glasses (no make up) at the door. With balls of steel, CW ignores these facts and gives him a hug. Mr. C gives CW 5 minutes to compose herself and they are out the door. CW consists of wet hair, baseball cap, mascara and sneakers.
Mr. C drives CW to the local airport where Mr. C has rented a private plane for them to fly around the city. Afterwards, Mr. C and CW hit up their first bar of the evening. CW downs 2 beers before being dropped off to change for the evening.
Mr. C arrives back at CW's place with no car. The couple starts to walk down the street where around the corner there is a limo with a driver waiting with the door open. Champagne is inside and the next 45 minutes is spent drinking this bottle before dinner. CW downs 2 glasses of champagne.
The limo takes Mr. C and CW to the best restaurant in the city. While waiting for a table, CW downs a vodka tonic. At dinner, the couple enjoys a bottle of wine. CW downs 2 glasses of wine.
The limo picks up Mr. C and CW and takes them to the city's downtown bar district. The twosome bar hops where CW "thinks" she downs between 2-3 vodka tonics.
Mr. C drives CW to the local airport where Mr. C has rented a private plane for them to fly around the city. Afterwards, Mr. C and CW hit up their first bar of the evening. CW downs 2 beers before being dropped off to change for the evening.
Mr. C arrives back at CW's place with no car. The couple starts to walk down the street where around the corner there is a limo with a driver waiting with the door open. Champagne is inside and the next 45 minutes is spent drinking this bottle before dinner. CW downs 2 glasses of champagne.
The limo takes Mr. C and CW to the best restaurant in the city. While waiting for a table, CW downs a vodka tonic. At dinner, the couple enjoys a bottle of wine. CW downs 2 glasses of wine.
The limo picks up Mr. C and CW and takes them to the city's downtown bar district. The twosome bar hops where CW "thinks" she downs between 2-3 vodka tonics.
At the end of the night, the limo takes the two around the city - stopping at different hills to overlook the city. This is where the night takes a horrible turn. In the midst of finally deciding the couple is ready to go back to CW's place, the night's cocktails decide to ruin any chances of getting laid. CW immediately PUKES in the back seat of the limo - managing to cover Mr. C's sport coat (she was wearing), the back seat, the floor and (of course) the door CW was trying to open. CW is mortified.
After the driver helps clean up the mess CW has created, Mr. C takes her back to her place. Before he can get her inside, CW decides the neighbor's garden is the next best place besides the toilet to refund the rest of the night's expensive meal and drinks.
After the driver helps clean up the mess CW has created, Mr. C takes her back to her place. Before he can get her inside, CW decides the neighbor's garden is the next best place besides the toilet to refund the rest of the night's expensive meal and drinks.
CW does not remember if Mr. C was laughing or not at the time but was too mortified to even try to remember. He helped CW into bed and left her with a glass of water and a kiss on the forehead.
Sidenote: CW called Mr. Chicago the next day and told him how extremely mortified she was about what happened and he only laughed and just said, "Don't worry. I didn't realize those drugs I put in your drinks would have that affect on you."
Q: How does one experience ridiculousness?
A: The answer to this question is provided in the below email from Red to the rest of The Squirrels - highlighting Cat Woman's ridiculousness last Friday night. To note CW had joined a friend at happy hour at 4:30PM and was wasted-face by 7:30PM on her stumble back to her car.
Time Stamp: 7:55PM
Soooooooooooo Cat Woman (CW) is definitely a drunk ass right now.
CW, raise your hand if you failed to have dinner and proceed to have two glasses of wine and two shots.
CW, raise your hand if you locked yourself out of the garage where your car is... that's right.
CW, raise your hand if you almost had to call your co-worker/work husband to bail you out of the building because your drunk ass left the security card IN YOUR CAR.
CW, raise your hand if you had to pass out in your car because you were too hammered to drive home and couldn't stop hiccuping while describing your situation.
CW, don't you have a BIKE RIDE tomorrow morning?
And this ladies, is my ode to CW as she passes out in the garage of her building to sleep off hiccups and drunkess.
The. End.
(The rest of CW's night went like this. After managing to get into the building to access her car, CW got into the driver's seat to fall asleep. Drunken paranoia set in when CW thought a cop would walk by (in a sealed parking garage) and give her a DUI if he found her passed out in the front seat. CW then proceeded to drunkenly fling herself into the back seat where she took off her jacket to cover her face (for security reasons - don't need it obvious a single female is passed out in a sealed parking garage) and set her phone's alarm for 1 hour. Three and a half hours later, CW woke up naturally confused beyond belief. The three cars that were parked around her car were now gone and the clock was saying it was 11PM. CW's drunken ass had slept ON the phone and therefore her ass had blocked the ringing which would have woken her up. CW proceeded to crawl back into the front seat and drive her ass home where she consumed a bowl of oatmeal in bed before passing out shortly afterward. Classy.)
-----
Time Stamp: 7:55PM
Soooooooooooo Cat Woman (CW) is definitely a drunk ass right now.
CW, raise your hand if you failed to have dinner and proceed to have two glasses of wine and two shots.
CW, raise your hand if you locked yourself out of the garage where your car is... that's right.
CW, raise your hand if you almost had to call your co-worker/work husband to bail you out of the building because your drunk ass left the security card IN YOUR CAR.
CW, raise your hand if you had to pass out in your car because you were too hammered to drive home and couldn't stop hiccuping while describing your situation.
CW, don't you have a BIKE RIDE tomorrow morning?
And this ladies, is my ode to CW as she passes out in the garage of her building to sleep off hiccups and drunkess.
The. End.
-----
(The rest of CW's night went like this. After managing to get into the building to access her car, CW got into the driver's seat to fall asleep. Drunken paranoia set in when CW thought a cop would walk by (in a sealed parking garage) and give her a DUI if he found her passed out in the front seat. CW then proceeded to drunkenly fling herself into the back seat where she took off her jacket to cover her face (for security reasons - don't need it obvious a single female is passed out in a sealed parking garage) and set her phone's alarm for 1 hour. Three and a half hours later, CW woke up naturally confused beyond belief. The three cars that were parked around her car were now gone and the clock was saying it was 11PM. CW's drunken ass had slept ON the phone and therefore her ass had blocked the ringing which would have woken her up. CW proceeded to crawl back into the front seat and drive her ass home where she consumed a bowl of oatmeal in bed before passing out shortly afterward. Classy.)
Please Meet The Squirrels
Please meet the panel of squirrels.
Here to provide you with answers to your every day life questions.
Cat Woman
(Sea-town)
Young professional by day.
Cat lady by night.
Shaken, not stirred.
Du5
(Indiana)
Smart-assed bitch.
Mouth like a sewer.
Heart of fucking gold.
Red
(The North Side)
She swims, bikes, and runs.
She has more friends than you.
Don't even try.
Knock Out
(NYC)
Blunt.
Competitive.
Opera.
Voice of Reason
(Law School Library)
A wise (wild) woman.
She IS the voice of reason
(unless she's inebriated).
Here to provide you with answers to your every day life questions.
Cat Woman
(Sea-town)
Young professional by day.
Cat lady by night.
Shaken, not stirred.
Du5
(Indiana)
Smart-assed bitch.
Mouth like a sewer.
Heart of fucking gold.
Red
(The North Side)
She swims, bikes, and runs.
She has more friends than you.
Don't even try.
Knock Out
(NYC)
Blunt.
Competitive.
Opera.
Voice of Reason
(Law School Library)
A wise (wild) woman.
She IS the voice of reason
(unless she's inebriated).
Show Biz
(The City)
A skinny bitch.
An alcoholic bitch.
(The City)
A skinny bitch.
An alcoholic bitch.
A virgin bitch.
Lunch Time
Lunch Time
(Pittsburgh)
Career woman.
Accomplished Athlete.
Afternoon delight.
Career woman.
Accomplished Athlete.
Afternoon delight.
Communist Poland
(New Haven, Conn.)
She runs.
She studies.
She pisses people off.
(New Haven, Conn.)
She runs.
She studies.
She pisses people off.
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